ASD and Getting Bullied - MOVING ON (Part 6/7)

I got a clay pot that I made in Year 8, and with a permanent marker wrote “Bullies in my life, including XXX.” (XXX was the worst adult bully I’ve ever had, unfairly treating me based on premature assumptions about my AS, and manipulating me to cause a lot of stress and anxiety.)

I then went to the backyard and smashed the pot by flinging it on the concrete path as hard as I could. Here are the fragments when placed together:

I didn’t intend any malice, but it smashing it was so refreshing.

I was attempting to move on from my past in a symbolic manner, even though I’ll never forget it thanks to my very strong episodic memory. Clearly this doesn’t preclude me from being treated like shit again by others, but I hope that in symbolically wrapping up the series of traumatic events, I’ll have a better ability to focus more on my studies and other pursuits.

Regardless of the bullies’ childhood, it should never justify their attacks and harassment of others (especially adult bullying, and unprovoked). I would never bully someone just for the hell of it; it would hurt my conscience to replicate something that has potential to cause permanent scarring. Sometimes I flippantly wish they’d die, but another part of me thinks they too have underlying issues of insecurity or anxiety, or perhaps even a Cluster B Personality Disorder (of which I’m very vigilant of).  

I refuse to forgive bullies (without an apology), because it kinda means they get away with doing something shouldn’t be done in the first place.

I think it’s possible to focus on the present, but not forget the past, and only to bring it back up when the situation is right. I can remember upsetting incidents nearly verbatim. Unless I have ECT or temporal lobe damage (later on), the memories will remain. Undoubtedly, there are still some situations which provoke recollections of the trauma, though not to the extent of PTSD.

Therefore I have to internally reason that getting upset won’t help me pass my exams.

Only study, focus, intellectualization, and novel compensatory techniques will.

ASD and Getting Bullied - BULLYING IMPACT (Part 5/7)

Getting bullied has lifelong consequences for many people, even more so for ASD people coz of their strong episodic memories. I’ve yet to meet an ASD person (especially Aspies/HFAs) who didn’t get bullied at some point in life. In retrospect, while the bullying incidents were pathetic on the bullies’ part, my impression is that the reduced repository of coping mechanisms at the time in conjunction with less life experience, education and practice of “social frameworks” increases the adverse impact of such incidents.

I feel more level-headed (albeit super cynical) compared to the past, but previous incidents have permanently moulded various aspects of my behaviour and attitudes.

Ever since I was framed and punished for sexual harassment, I interact with females on a much higher guard compared to males, as they can easily “destroy” me. I have to follow intellectualized algorithms (on “appropriate behaviour”) that approximate acceptable NT interactions, and implement extra mechanisms to reduce the risk of subsequent false accusations:

- I’ve very rarely touched females apart from doing so for medical purposes (physical exam) with their consent in the presence of another professional.

- I never hug females unless they initiate it.

- I try to respect their personal space by following proxemics, increasing the physical distance between us (50+ cm) by standing behind a chair or a table when talking to them.

- Any vague answers to my requests are automatically interpreted as “No”/”I don’t want to”/”Stop it”/”I’m not comfortable with this topic”, in which I cease pursuing it lest I aggravate them.

- Never discuss R18+ topics unless you know them very well or they mention it first.

- If they show a frown/angry/suspicious facial expression, ask yourself if you’ve said or done something to offend them within reasonable limits as defined within your database.

So far it’s been somewhat reassuring; I’ve been able to have neutral/positive interactions with many female patients, students and retail staff without complaints. I’ve seen or examined some vaginas and breasts (in Obstetrics/Gynaecology rotation) without getting into trouble. Clearly the absence of complaints following short encounters doesn’t mean they’re my friends, but at least I haven’t done a total blunder. Tbh, a lot of my motivation for interacting with females is to show myself how much improvement I’ve made with regards to complaints as a %age of all interactions with females in a year. In that respect, I treat it as a game, aiming for near-0 complaints within a year.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg; I’ve created other algorithms/rules following other types of bullying and unpleasant interactions (eg being sworn at).

My major concern however is how to respond when I’m bullied for the first time through another mechanism, in which I predict I’ll have to respond by first principles (which I unfortunately haven’t designed yet) and reading other people’s experiences online…