I got a clay pot that I made in Year 8, and with a permanent
marker wrote “Bullies in my life, including XXX.” (XXX was the worst adult
bully I’ve ever had, unfairly treating me based on premature assumptions about
my AS, and manipulating me to cause a lot of stress and anxiety.)
I then went to the
backyard and smashed the pot by flinging it on the concrete path as hard as I
could. Here are the fragments when placed together:
I didn’t intend any malice, but it smashing it was so refreshing.
I was attempting to move on from my past in a symbolic manner,
even though I’ll never forget it thanks to my very strong episodic memory. Clearly
this doesn’t preclude me from being treated like shit again by others, but I
hope that in symbolically wrapping up the series of traumatic events, I’ll have
a better ability to focus more on my studies and other pursuits.
Regardless of the bullies’ childhood, it should never
justify their attacks and harassment of others (especially adult bullying, and unprovoked).
I would never bully someone just for the hell of it; it would hurt my
conscience to replicate something that has potential to cause permanent scarring.
Sometimes I flippantly wish they’d die, but another part of me thinks they too
have underlying issues of insecurity or anxiety, or perhaps even a Cluster B
Personality Disorder (of which I’m very vigilant of).
I refuse to forgive bullies (without an apology), because it
kinda means they get away with doing something shouldn’t be done in the first
place.
I think it’s possible to focus on the present, but not
forget the past, and only to bring it back up when the situation is right. I
can remember upsetting incidents nearly verbatim. Unless I have ECT or temporal
lobe damage (later on), the memories will remain. Undoubtedly, there are still some
situations which provoke recollections of the trauma, though not to the extent
of PTSD.
Therefore I have to internally reason that getting upset
won’t help me pass my exams.
Only study, focus, intellectualization, and novel
compensatory techniques will.
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