Aspies and others on the Autism Spectrum have an innate drive to be honest, and have a heightened sense of integrity. This is most likely due to the way they’re neurologically wired. Aspies have the natural compulsion to be honest when talking to other people and when being asked questions, and actually feel quite hurt and/or guilty inside when lying. However, various experiences (especially negative) with NTs (Neurotypicals), which I’ll elaborate on later in this entry, will change the Aspies’ attitude towards honesty.
If you’ve ever spoken to an Aspie child or adolescent who hasn’t had much social experience with NTs, you’ll find that they’re typically down to earth, trustworthy and have unique insights. The way they talk has far less filtering, and if they want to say something, they’ll just say it directly with no sugarcoating bullshit. And if you ask them to explain their thoughts, they’ll explain it in more detail with no inhibition. They can mention patterns, observations or comments that you’d probably never thought of, or dared to say in front of others. A conversation with such a “pure” Aspie with little prior NT influence can be extremely refreshing and amusing.
As an Aspie (and like most others with ASDs), I believe honesty is an excellent thing and is a trait of AS that I cherish (along with directness). When I’m talking to other Aspies and my Psychiatrist, I can confidently rely on pure honesty in order to discuss things productively, because we innately rely on words themselves for communication, and have much less need to rely on body language or any other subtle social cues. Conflicts and arguments may get brought up quicker but they get resolved quicker too because it can be openly discussed with no hidden malice.
However because Aspies and others with ASDs happen to be in the minority (with NTs occupying the majority of adult society), due to the innate difference in communication intentions/styles between ASD and NT people, their innate honesty becomes a disadvantage very quickly and can lead them to being ostracized, bullied or taken advantage of by some NTs.
For starters, Aspies primarily communicate for conveying and receiving information. They usually connect to other people by talking about specific topics, and how those topics relate to them, expecting that in return, the other person will respond with more information about that topic, or how they relate to it as well, ie a factual discussion where both people learn things about each other, no jokes/sarcasm/fluffy crap. This is why it’s naturally hard for Aspies to connect to other people when they don’t have much in common, because the Aspie doesn’t have enough knowledge about the other person’s interests/hobbies/background themselves to have a decent conversation, and has difficulty engaging in conversations for purposes other than direct information transfer, such as banter (friendly joking) and flirting. However, put an Aspie and another person (especially an Aspie) with the same interests/views in the same room, and they can have a rich, flowing discussion that lasts for hours! It feels very euphoric for an Aspie to have a long uninhibited conversation with another person about common topics, and they can remember such conversations (even word for word) for the rest of their life!
NTs don’t have the innate need for honesty like Aspies however, and often communicate for reasons other than direct information transfer. For polite examples, they’re able to bond with other NTs by bantering, gossiping and flirting even though they don’t have much actual interests/hobbies/philosophies in common. They emotionally connect and relate to other NTs quite easily, and can make many relatively positive social contacts easily.
Because the Aspie rarely uses those communication styles (besides direct, honest information transfer), he’ll initially assume that other people are like that as well, which is an impaired Theory of Mind on his part. This will lead to lots of conflict, due to the misinterpretation of the Aspie’s style of talking by NTs and vice versa. THIS IS WHERE THE PROBLEMS CAN OCCUR!!!
An Aspies’ honesty is often misinterpreted by NTs as rudeness, arrogance or naivety as NTs themselves would’ve been dishonest in numerous social contexts. If the Aspie gets informed that the honest remarks they say have offended an NT, they’d initially get puzzled because they would’ve thought that the NT would appreciate their honesty, when in reality the NT wanted a dishonest answer because he had other desires in the communication, for example for his ego to be stroked, to maintain “group harmony” or to maintain his position in the “social ladder”. This can quickly get an Aspie to be ostracized by a bunch of other NTs, who not only aren’t used to such honesty, but feel offended/fearful/”weirded out” towards the Aspie as they don’t understand the reasons for such honesty, thus shying away to avoid their mind and social dynamics from being disrupted by such pure, unfiltered statements.
Here’s a classical example:
NT Girl: Does my bum look big in these jeans?
Aspie Guy: Yes it does.
NT Girl: You’re so rude!
Aspie Guy: But it does look big!
Analysis - The Aspie guy was being honest and direct coz that’s how his mind automatically works, and he thought that the NT girl wanted to know his honest thoughts. But the NT Girl, even though her bum does appear big in the jeans, she asked the question because she wanted a compliment (eg “No it doesn’t, you look great!”), and not because she wanted to know the truth. Because the Aspie guy gives a response that’s contrary to her expectations, she then gets offended and feels that the Aspie guy is intentionally antagonizing her even though that wasn’t the case.
Here’s one that happened in real life:
(In a computer lab, I’m talking to 3 NT girls: Sarah, Emily, and Natasha. Girls’ names changed for privacy)
Natasha: So Ken, who do you think’s better looking, Sarah or Emily?
Ken: Hmm, I’ll have to say Sarah!
Emily: AHHH!!!
Ken: But Sarah’s got great skin!
Emily: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Sarah: Rule! You do not say that in front of other people!
Ken: But Natasha asked me a question, so I gave her an answer!
Analysis - At the time, I thought that Natasha genuinely wanted to know my honest reply to her question about who was better looking. I immediately replied to her without taking into consideration of Emily’s feelings at the time. In retrospect, she was taking advantage of my pure honesty and manipulating the conversation so I’d offend one of her friends and make myself look bad in front of them. Her friend Emily did get quite offended and Sarah also thought that my comments were rude. But at least Sarah told me later on that the “correct and non-offensive response” is to lie and say “You’re both equally pretty!”
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