Honesty (PART 2/2)

As you can see in the previous entry, there exists negative responses to an Aspie’s innate drive for honesty. There are negative responses that are even worse!

In some malicious cases, an NT (at work for example) that’s particularly psychopathic (could be a coworker or EVEN a boss/manager!) might want to find out what the Aspie thinks about something just to see if that person is “loyal” to their side, or if he can be manipulated. The innocent, unsuspecting Aspie then reveals his true thoughts in response to the question and the NT can make his decision. If he reckons the Aspie is a “threat” or “vulnerable” to him, he can easily gossip to other NTs and manipulate the information to make the Aspie look bad, and subtly encourage other NTs to harass and bully the Aspie (or he can do all the dirty work himself), which very often leads to the Aspie quitting their job despite having the required skills.

The Aspie’s reduced Theory of Mind means that he lacks the innate ability to see what other people *TRULY* want (mostly NTs) in a conversation, and that they may want something else other than direct honesty or that they want to use the honest remarks for other potentially negative purposes (like in the psychopathic example I’ve given). There exists an initial incompatibility, and this impairs his ability to easily form friendships with NTs (compared to other NTs).

Through negative experiences in adolescence and/or adult life, an Aspie may develop various coping mechanisms to “survive” better socially with NTs and not be so ostracized or treated like shit so much by them. In my case, because I’m not sure as to whether an NT truly wants me to be honest, I’ll use *WHITE LIES* (lies to compliment a person or avoid hurting their “feelings”) in conversations which aren’t fully serious/severe. Note that I would NEVER use a White Lie on a patient though in regards to their medical condition, medications, treatment or prognosis, as that’d be professional incompetence as well as unethical, and I can get into very deep trouble for it. Also, for the markedly few NTs who genuinely appreciate my full honesty by specifically stating so, I don’t use White Lies on them either.

I used to feel guilty and upset about making White Lies, as I still consider that dishonest. However due to multiple bad experiences with NTs (via bullying and ostracizing) when I was being completely honest, I’ve decided to give them a taste of their own medicine. I also fear that a few nasty NTs will somehow use my honesty against me. I no longer feel guilty about giving white lies to NTs. Now I think “If you want me to lie to you, then I’ll bloody lie to you then!!!”

Here’s one that happened in real life in an MSN conversation:

Words in brackets “( )” are internal thoughts. Stephanie isn’t the girl’s real name.

Stephanie: Hey Ken, I got a new boyfriend.

Ken: Who’s your new boyfriend?

Stephanie: Paul!

Ken: You mean Paul from the year above us?

Stephanie: Yeah! What do you think?

Ken: (Hmm, I don’t know Paul well and I don’t think he’ll last long with Stephanie seeing that she only lasted a few weeks with her previous boyfriend in which she dumped for reasons that I personally deem superficial. I dunno if they have much in common, but perhaps they’ll actually enjoy each other’s company. How they enjoy each other’s company, I can’t imagine coz I don’t see how they have much in common, but then again I don’t know Paul that well. Stephanie likes shopping, reading, jewellery and fashion, and she likes checking out the horoscopes section in The Age newspaper. Bleh, I think they’ll probably be in their honeymoon phase, where they’re still enjoying the thrill of being in some sort of intimate relationship that I can’t understand. I wonder why Stephanie is asking me what I think of her newly formed relationship if I dunno Paul that well? If she knows that I dunno him well and I say that I don’t think it’s good, then she might retort by accusing me of saying that coz I dunno Paul well! Omg, is this a trick question? I think I shall have to give her a compliment then. After all, she’s being superficial by asking me about something which I dunno much about, so she may as well expect a superficial answer. And she knows she’s being superficial. She’s not that dumb, she’s in Med School! If I give a simple compliment, then I doubt that she’ll hold anything against me. That’s it. I think she wants me to give her a compliment to make herself feel happy. Very well then, I shall lie to her about how I’m happy for her, but I shall make it sound as sincere as possible.)

Well you seem happy, and I imagine that Paul would be happy as well, so I’m happy for you!

Stephanie: Awwww thanks Ken! : - )

NOTE THAT I TOOK 20 SECONDS OF INTERNAL THOUGHTS TO COME UP WITH THAT COMPLIMENT IN AN MSN CONVERSATION ON THE INTERNET. IMAGINE HOW STRESSFUL IT IS FOR ME TO COME UP WITH WHITE LIES AND “APPROPRIATE/POLITE” RESPONSES TO NTS IN CONVERSATIONS IN REAL TIME!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, my lack of Theory of Mind in regards to NTs makes it very tiring for me to engage in conversations with them without appearing offensive and rude. However I know that if I constantly compliment people on things which they talk about, they may ironically regard me as a doormat (vulnerable person) or somebody that’s a “Yes-Man”, so I have to remain assertive to a degree without appearing all out aggressive. This is when I use my other coping mechanism of MORE INDIRECT SPEECH/EUPHEMISMS.

I’m usually very direct and honest coz as an Aspie, that’s what my innate traits are. To talk in any other style strains my mind and makes me tired as I have to cognitively think of another response, such as the White Lies. However if I still want to at least stay by my stance, then I’ll use the more indirect speech to convey my thoughts. For example if someone was annoying me by doing a certain action, instead of saying “Stop doing that, you’re pissing me off!”, I’ll say “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t do that.”

And in other times, when I feel tempted to say a remark, I double-check in my head to see if it may offend anybody. If I’m positively sure it won’t offend anybody, then I’ll say it. If I’m not sure if it’ll offend somebody, then I won’t say it, unless it’s of genuine importance in which I will. I’m comfortable with not saying certain remarks anymore. After all I realized, that if I don’t comment on somebody’s actions or appearance, then I couldn’t possibly be lying because in order to lie, you have to make a *statement* with the deliberate intention of misleading others! Not saying anything = Not saying a statement. For example I no longer comment on people being overweight unless they’re a patient and I’m talking about it from a medical perspective.

By the way, I get irritated when I frequently talk to people who often insist on white lies and dislike brutal honesty. From experience this includes lots of NTs, who will ironically even be weirded out or offended when you respond that you’re not good with a detailed reason when they asked “How are you?”

Geez, why did you ask “How are you?” if you didn’t genuinely cared about me? Do you expect me to say “I’m good!” every single time? It turns out they don’t care about me at all, they dislike my honesty, and they’re only asking that question to make THEMSELVES look polite. In other words, a lot of their social interactions are based on maintaining appearances of looking polite and their position in a social hierarchy, hence that superficial gesture. I don’t wish to feel like I’ve wasted my breath for revealing my true feelings to somebody who places me low on their “social priority list”. Therefore from now on, I use the White Lie on them, and I tell them that I’m “Good!” even though I’m not necessarily so…

I tend to reduce my contact with them socially, instead preferring to be friends with other Aspies and the few NTs who have no regards for conformity or pleasing others intentionally, and will appreciate my untainted remarks.

Overall, an Aspie’s innate honesty is a double edged sword in the predominantly NT world. His honesty can make him appear vulnerable to other NTs and lead to abuse by the ones that are malicious, and it makes it stressful and a lot harder for him to flourish socially with other NTs. On the other hand it may also be a very positive thing in terms of employment, where certain jobs themselves require a very high standard of honesty with very little or no “sucking up” to superiors, for example Scientific Research, Medical Pathology/Radiology, Data Entry, Auditing, Translating, and perhaps Visual Arts. In a positive work environment with no psychopathic NTs, the boss and his colleagues will value the Aspie’s honesty and competence, and may entrust him other job tasks that require more confidentiality.

So to any of you Aspies who may feel lonely or frustrated, this is the reality about how your honesty impacts on others. It’s not you that has the problem of wanting to be constantly honest, it’s them (many NTs) for not appreciating your positive trait! Please don’t feel guilty about compromising your values by white lies and indirect comments etc if you want to survive in this world, coz it’s not your fault! I guarantee you there are people out there (both Aspies and NTs) who’ll truly like your innate honesty. They’re hard to find unless you go to specific meeting groups online or in person, but when you find them, they’ll make you feel better about yourself in that you don’t have to live a lie when you’re with them.