ASD and Getting Bullied - MOVING ON (Part 6/7)

I got a clay pot that I made in Year 8, and with a permanent marker wrote “Bullies in my life, including XXX.” (XXX was the worst adult bully I’ve ever had, unfairly treating me based on premature assumptions about my AS, and manipulating me to cause a lot of stress and anxiety.)

I then went to the backyard and smashed the pot by flinging it on the concrete path as hard as I could. Here are the fragments when placed together:

I didn’t intend any malice, but it smashing it was so refreshing.

I was attempting to move on from my past in a symbolic manner, even though I’ll never forget it thanks to my very strong episodic memory. Clearly this doesn’t preclude me from being treated like shit again by others, but I hope that in symbolically wrapping up the series of traumatic events, I’ll have a better ability to focus more on my studies and other pursuits.

Regardless of the bullies’ childhood, it should never justify their attacks and harassment of others (especially adult bullying, and unprovoked). I would never bully someone just for the hell of it; it would hurt my conscience to replicate something that has potential to cause permanent scarring. Sometimes I flippantly wish they’d die, but another part of me thinks they too have underlying issues of insecurity or anxiety, or perhaps even a Cluster B Personality Disorder (of which I’m very vigilant of).  

I refuse to forgive bullies (without an apology), because it kinda means they get away with doing something shouldn’t be done in the first place.

I think it’s possible to focus on the present, but not forget the past, and only to bring it back up when the situation is right. I can remember upsetting incidents nearly verbatim. Unless I have ECT or temporal lobe damage (later on), the memories will remain. Undoubtedly, there are still some situations which provoke recollections of the trauma, though not to the extent of PTSD.

Therefore I have to internally reason that getting upset won’t help me pass my exams.

Only study, focus, intellectualization, and novel compensatory techniques will.

ASD and Getting Bullied - BULLYING IMPACT (Part 5/7)

Getting bullied has lifelong consequences for many people, even more so for ASD people coz of their strong episodic memories. I’ve yet to meet an ASD person (especially Aspies/HFAs) who didn’t get bullied at some point in life. In retrospect, while the bullying incidents were pathetic on the bullies’ part, my impression is that the reduced repository of coping mechanisms at the time in conjunction with less life experience, education and practice of “social frameworks” increases the adverse impact of such incidents.

I feel more level-headed (albeit super cynical) compared to the past, but previous incidents have permanently moulded various aspects of my behaviour and attitudes.

Ever since I was framed and punished for sexual harassment, I interact with females on a much higher guard compared to males, as they can easily “destroy” me. I have to follow intellectualized algorithms (on “appropriate behaviour”) that approximate acceptable NT interactions, and implement extra mechanisms to reduce the risk of subsequent false accusations:

- I’ve very rarely touched females apart from doing so for medical purposes (physical exam) with their consent in the presence of another professional.

- I never hug females unless they initiate it.

- I try to respect their personal space by following proxemics, increasing the physical distance between us (50+ cm) by standing behind a chair or a table when talking to them.

- Any vague answers to my requests are automatically interpreted as “No”/”I don’t want to”/”Stop it”/”I’m not comfortable with this topic”, in which I cease pursuing it lest I aggravate them.

- Never discuss R18+ topics unless you know them very well or they mention it first.

- If they show a frown/angry/suspicious facial expression, ask yourself if you’ve said or done something to offend them within reasonable limits as defined within your database.

So far it’s been somewhat reassuring; I’ve been able to have neutral/positive interactions with many female patients, students and retail staff without complaints. I’ve seen or examined some vaginas and breasts (in Obstetrics/Gynaecology rotation) without getting into trouble. Clearly the absence of complaints following short encounters doesn’t mean they’re my friends, but at least I haven’t done a total blunder. Tbh, a lot of my motivation for interacting with females is to show myself how much improvement I’ve made with regards to complaints as a %age of all interactions with females in a year. In that respect, I treat it as a game, aiming for near-0 complaints within a year.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg; I’ve created other algorithms/rules following other types of bullying and unpleasant interactions (eg being sworn at).

My major concern however is how to respond when I’m bullied for the first time through another mechanism, in which I predict I’ll have to respond by first principles (which I unfortunately haven’t designed yet) and reading other people’s experiences online…

ASD and Getting Bullied - ASD VULNERABILITY --> BULLYING: EXAMPLE (Part 4/7)

The Aspie’s initial “empty slate” regarding the facial expressions, tone of voice + body language disadvantages him. Insufficient recognition of such social cues in others, along with other differences (eg statistically reduced verbal fluency) predisposes him to bullying and/or manipulation by others.

Story of me being framed:

I skipped a grade and joined a class whose classmates I’ve seen numerous times, but never interacted with much before. I used to hang around by myself a lot, but I thought I’d feel more comfortable if I could be included. I used to say to the girls in that class, ‘Can I play with you?’, and they’d always say ‘No, you’re not old enough.’

This time though...

‘Ok, you’re in our class so you can join us. Let’s play tag.’

‘Ok.’

‘Ok, you're it. Count one two three before you go.’

‘Ok.’

The girls ran away, but I was relatively fast even though I was still kinda clumsy at the time. I tapped one of the girls on the shoulder.

‘You touched my butt!’

‘No I didn’t , I touched your shoulder.’

‘No, you touched my butt!’

‘No I didn’t, I touched your shoulder over here.’

The other girls who were playing tag, went up to the two of us.

‘Ken just touched me on the butt! Let’s go tell on him!’

I remember seeing the girls having angry/frowny facial expressions. I knew it meant angry/frowny coz I saw it in cartoons multiple times, and managed to associate it with the context. I didn’t understand WHY they were angry, even though I knew it was factually true that I touched her on the shoulder. 

They dobbed on me, and the teacher on recess duty told me that touching a girl’s butt is sexual assault, and for me not to do it again.

The next day, I wanted to play tag with them again, and they said I could join them. They made me ‘it’ at the start again.

I didn’t understand their intentions at the time. They made the game a little different.

‘This time because you run so fast, we’ll make you count to 10.’

‘Ok.’

               
I counted to 10, and ran after one of the girls hiding behind the school hall. I tapped her head.

               
‘I tagged you.’

               
‘You touched my butt! Didn’t Ms. Kogan tell you not to touch girls’ butts?!’

               
‘But I didn’t touch your butt, I touched your head. Your head is not your butt. Your butt is located down here.’

               
‘No, you touched my butt, and I’m telling on you.’

She told the other girls, followed by my class teacher, who already formed a negative impression of me, coz I was apparently smart but immature, and that I didn’t behave like a 5^th-grader.

He said to me ‘Ken, follow me into this room.’

The room was pleasantly dark, and he didn’t switch on the lights, but I didn’t know why.

He told me that the girls have reported multiple incidents of me touching their butts when playing tag and that it is illegal to touch that region, because it is sexual harassment, and in the adult world can be punishable by a jail term, and he use to work with juvenile criminals, many of whom have been convicted of sexual assault and rape. He said that what I did was wrong, and that he would give me several detentions, and physically segregated me from the rest of the females in the class for all activities, including computer skills, to think about my wrongdoings.

‘But I didn’t touch their butts.’

‘Yes you did, the girls said so.’

‘But I didn’t, they keep saying that when I touched their shoulder and heads.’

‘The girls have come up with the same story about you, so I’m inclined to believe them. You know what you did is wrong, and you are not going to get away with it.’

‘But I didn’t touch their butts, I didn’t actually touch their butts.’

‘Don’t lie to me Ken, I don’t want to set you up for failure when you become a grown up so you need to learn things now. See me after school at 3 PM.’

‘I really didn’t touch their butts, you don’t believe me.’

‘Stop talking about it. Now go back to Maths.’

All of my persistent claims of innocence were said with my usual flat affect and relatively monotone voice. At the time, I thought that because what occurred was factually true by my accounts, that I would be believable. But this wasn’t the case.

In retrospect, I realized that I was supposed to show facial expressions of anger, and be more vocal and eloquent about my innocence. I didn’t know what he knew, or the cause of incongruence between factual events and false accusations, which is related to the TOM deficit.

               
I didn’t know what sort of body language to show. And yet the girls were trusted coz they showed the typical facial expressions, body language and vocal tones of innocence and indignation. ‘HE TOUCHED ME HERE! HOW DARE HE!’

These girls can further fine-tune their manipulative/framing qualities over time, and could easily target an Aspie’s initial trustworthiness, and get him fired from jobs, arrested, or divorced (if married) with the settlement (+/- child custody) hugely in favour of her due to his apparent “abusive behaviour”.

I didn’t see the BIG PICTURE, that they didn’t want me to play with them, coz I was focusing on the DETAILS, such as counting to 10 instead of 3.

Of course, some Aspies may commit sexual harassment without realizing it, but that wasn’t the case in my situation.